By El Seldo (@ElSeldo)

Earlier I showed you who I think the best mascots are in the Canadian Hockey League. This was mostly based on looks because I have only really interacted with the best mascot in the CHL, Bones of the Niagara IceDogs.

Today though, today we need to take a look at the mascots that would send even the most diehard mascot lover running away….

Stormy/Spyke – Guelph Storm

guelph

Stormy is the clown bear, Spyke is the dreadlocked stripe socked tornado. I, for one, do not want to hug a natural phenomenon that kills thousands of people per year.

Stormy just…gives me the creeps. It looks like it just walked out of a low budget soviet era eastern european kids show. This could just be me, but these two are not my bag.

Scorezy – London Knights

london.jpg

Your mascot has a paunch, London. All that fancy money and you couldn’t afford a mascot who’s in shape? Look, I’m not one to talk, but if I were a Queen I would not pick a guy who’s bursting out of his armour to defend my honour.

Maybe you should sell more fake game-worn jerseys and buy a new mascot costume.

Buzz – Sarnia Sting

sarnia 1.jpg

Here’s one bee I wish was dying at an alarming rate. Why so angry, why the Klingon like ridges? Just because the logo is angry doens’t mean the amscot should always be scowling. Enjoy the game, sheesh.

Chuck – Kitchener Rangers

kitchener-2

Why is Mike Babcock the Rangers mascot?

This is just the first of a few one this list, but don’t make humans your mascot. They almost always look creepy or horrifying.

Unless it’s the Human Being:

Sly – Charlottetown Islanders

charlottetown

He is for sure going to eat that old man. Like a true predator he picked out the old and weak to devour. I would have much preferred an anthropomorphic potato, but that would have only worked if they had accepted my submission for the team name: The PEI Fightin’ Ice Taters.

Huge opportunity missed.

Wild Willie – Moncton Wildcats

moncton.JPG

DO NOT MAKE YOUR ANIMAL MASCOTS LOOK REALISTIC.

This is a combination of cheap knock off looking, horrifying and stoned. The whiskers make him look like he’s falling apart. Mascots should be cartoonish Moncton, come on.

Lappy – Rouyn-Noranda Huskies

rouyn-noranda.jpg

If this is how someone thinks a husky looks, yikes. If the mouth were closed it may be endearing, but those fangs are sending a message I don’t think the Huskies meant to send.

Digger – Kamloops Blazers

kamloops.jpg

Looks like someone has been taking the teams name too literally. What is Digger supposed to be, anyway? A dog? A….puppet of a dog?

Shivers – Kootenay Ice

kootenay

Shivers just wants you to remember one thing: Don’t you put it in your mouth.

Rroary – Medicine Hat Tigers

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Roary isn’t that bad, I just hate that it’s name starts with two R’s

Hal – Halifax Mooseheads

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Is this a Haligoonian? Should everyone from Halifax look like this?

WHY ISN’T YOUR MASCOT A MOOSE?

Sarge – North Bay Battalion

north-bay

The one that inspired all of this, the potato-headed faux-human that is Sarge. Why? Why is this a thing? Even Boomer would have been a better idea than this thing.Is it supposed to be Stan Butler? If it is, this all makes sense.

Boston Raider – Prince Albert Raiders

prince-albert

Why? Look, if there’s one thing I’ve learned over my decade son this planet it’s one thing. DON’T USE OTHER CULTURES AS YOUR MASCOT. I get it, Raiders, you’re thinking Lawrence of Arabia, strong, adventurous, brave, but…sigh. Even the Oakland Raiders just used a football playing pirate as the mascot.

The worst part? It was introduced in 2014. TWO-THOUSAND-FOURTEEN.

The reasoning the team gave:

At the time, a spokesperson with the team said the logo was worn on jerseys from 1982 to 1996 and later returned as a third jersey in the early 2000s. It was also a shoulder crest on the Raiders jersey from 2010 to 2013.

“The Prince Albert Raiders won a Memorial Cup in 1985 and fans identify with the logo worn at the time. It’s synonymous with the success and winning of the franchise,” Amber Pratt said in an email.

Oh, tradition. Thankfully the mascot was also benched in 2014 because IT’S TWENTY-FOURTEEN. Technically it shouldn’t qualify for this list, but I wanted to point out how terrible it was.

Listen, tradition or no, taking a minority group and making them your mascot to dance for you is just…not cool. I wouldn’t be cool a mascot of a pale freckled red haired goober with thick glasses named “Gingy”, so I’m not going to do that to anyone else.

Thomas Hawk – Shawinigan Cataractes

shawinigan.jpg

WHAT THE SHIT. WE JUST WENT OVER THIS.

The Cataractes were named for the waterfalls that are in the city. For years their logo was a simple C, or a flying C depending on when you look at it.

Then, in 1998, the team jumped on the “Using First Nations as a mascot” bandwagon (1998? Really?) and swapped the logo to a Native head in the C, then the full blown ‘Warrior’ logo we see now.

Why did they do this? I have no idea. There’s no reasoning on their website. There’s nothing in their wikipedia page. Googling it shows no answers. It’s jsut one of the mysteries why they’d make this move. Oh well, atleast they got rid of the ‘Flying Indian’ stature that would soar over the ice after each goal.

Oh yeah, that was a real thing..

UPDATE: They did bring the statue with them, it just doesn’t fly over the ice anymore.

WTF.


I apologize for the nightmares you’ll all have over the next few days, but bad mascots awareness needs to be made.

 

 

 

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