30 Thoughts On Pizza

By #Jontent

We can all generally agree that Puckdontlie is a pretty awful person, but I do appreciate that he often encourages me to write, even when I don’t have any idea of what to write about. I’ve been inspired by the fact that I had to renew The Bloggers’ Tribune domain name and the fact that we changed the site layout to put some content up on the site. Unfortunately I hate the second round of the playoffs more than any other round, and this miserable draft class isn’t allowing for me to seek refuge in prospects. With these challenges, I have turned to pizza and ripping off Elliotte Friedman. This will be my salvation and I am excited to share 30 pipin’ hot to your door thoughts on pizza this week. Who knows, maybe I’ll do 30 Thoughts on other random topics. Maybe I’ll never write again. Who knows? Enjoy the ride.

  1. I’ll start with a positive thought. The return of Thai Chicken to the Boston Pizza lineup is one of the greatest things going in my life. For a long time this was the only thing I deemed consumable on their menu, and now it’s back. This coincides nicely with the fact that I have a toddler, and Boston Pizza is one of those restaurants you don’t really care if your toddler acts like a toddler in.
  2. Staying positive, there needs to be some form of official recognition that Pizza Hut is by far the superior option when it comes to chain pizza. The perfect balance of greasy mess, generous amounts of cheese and toppings. The only real flaw is the lack of exciting toppings.
  3. If your leftover pizza somehow makes it past 24 hours in your fridge, maple syrup is an excellent way of reviving the flavour.
  4. I have grown to love frozen pizza as a quick alternative. In our house I have a dieting wife who prepares healthy food I have no interest in, and a toddler who with very specific tastes. This leaves me as a lone late diner after the kid goes to sleep looking for something to enjoy. Rising Crust pepperoni has become my salvation.
  5. Moving away from positive, Little Caesars gave me the worst case of food poisoning I’ve ever experienced from what I assume was under cooked dough. This happened in 1999 and I have never had pizza from their chain again. I was attending an evening class in University when the feeling hit. I had a heavy sweat, and had to run to the bathroom to shit for half an hour. I began hallucinating from this. As much as I was intrigued by bacon wrapped pizza, I could never eat their hot garbage again.
  6. Pizza Pizza and Pizza 73 should not exist. They are absolutely terrible and worse than any frozen pizza option. I can’t understand why they are still around.
  7. That being said I still wear my neon orange Pizza Pizza Player of the Game hat from Pee Wee Hockey when I want to look like the worst kind of hipster garbage.
  8. The only fond memory I have of living in Fort McMurray is Jomaa Pizza. The pizza doesn’t stand out, but they had the nicest delivery drivers.
  9. I still laugh when I think about the time Papa John’s Camaro was stolen. Fuck that guy and his shitty pizza.
  10. Like most foods, the closer pizza gets to being authentic Italian, the worse it gets.
  11. I’d like to live in a world where we acknowledge most Italian food is overrated and not every Italian grandmother is a great cook. Odds are your grandma’s cooking sucks and you have shitty taste. That applies to the rest of us to, but I think others can come to terms with it easier.
  12. I feel like now is also an appropriate time to mention that anything can go on a pizza. There is no problem with chicken on pizza, there is no problem with different sauces being used. It’s pizza, it’s fun, don’t add rules to it.
  13. That being said, I will judge the shit out of you if you put pineapples on pizza. Just because it can be done, doesn’t mean it should be done.
  14. Never do half and half pizzas with someone who ordered pineapple pizza, they’ve ruined your half
  15. You can’t just pick pineapples off and then eat it. Pineapple juice ruins pizza.
  16. Putting black olives on pizza also makes me sad for similar reasons, but I’m marginally more forgiving of it.
  17. The absolute perfect pizza has three toppings: Spicy sausage, Onions (colour not important) and Eggplant. It’s a beautiful thing.
  18. Call Chicago style pizza a casserole all you want, it doesn’t make it any less delicious.
  19. Chicago deep dish is one of the most filling and satisfying meals you can eat and depriving yourself of it because you need pizza to be a certain way is short sighted.
  20. Does anyone really find any benefit from using a pizza stone on homemade pizza? This seems like a lie everyone has committed to.
  21. Making homemade pizza is fun activity with kids, but I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever tasted a homemade pizza that I liked more than a greasy box of Pizza Hut
  22. If you are going with pre-made crusts because you don’t have all day to make pizza, I think Boboli is far and away the best option.
  23. Brick oven pizza is sadly more of a warning than it is an attraction in restaurants, because most don’t do it right.
  24. I’m fine with dip for pizza. They save average pizza, they are great for leftovers, and with some toppings they definitely add to it. The best pizza should not be dipped though.
  25. I often forget that Dominos exists. They aren’t very good, so I don’t feel bad about that.
  26. Wings are the superior side for pizza, and like pizza, Pizza Hut does the best with them of the major chains.
  27. I don’t understand breadsticks as a side for pizza. You are already eating a shit tonne of bread and marinara, why do I need more on the side?
  28. If you are a pizza place and don’t have online ordering in 2017, there is zero chance I will order from you. I have interest in talking to you on the phone no matter how much better your product is than the place with online ordering. It’s bad enough I’m forced to put on pants because I can’t pay online and just have your delivery guy leave the food on my doorstep.
  29. New York style pizza is the best form of pizza. This is not opinion, it’s fact.
  30. I fully expect more people to respond to a bunch of pizza opinions than any piece of hockey writing I have ever done and with that in mind I will say how concerned I am about the lack of pizza eaten in Sci-Fi movies and TV shows. Why in these glorious versions of the future are people never eating one of the best foods ever created?

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